Your message and other things you say

“I love almost everything about X.  X is wonderful.  Reminds me of the dreams when I started out in life.  X is just the culmination of all that is good.  But I just can’t overlook the fact that X is Y.  That is unacceptable.“

Does that statement alarm you?  Seems innocuous enough.  We’re unable to overlook something that is blatant.  Happens all the time.  Kid is smart, but also a smart aleck.  She’s a nice girl, but she’s also my best friend’s girl friend.  It sounded like a great investment, but the risk was just too much to stomach.  That is one swell car, but I just cannot afford it (I realize this last example is inherently un-American and may not resonate, but it’s where I live).

I heard a similar statement today in a professional setting.  Just changed a few nouns and adjectives.  It went something like this (again not verbatim):

“I hate her.  She’s a witch.  She’s mean.  She’s devious.  She’s a fraud.  She’s evil to the core.  But hey, she’s a woman, and I want women to succeed, so I can’t call her on it.“  I was shocked by the smugness of the person who said it.  “So, if she were a he, you’d do something differently and be adamant and vocal about it?“ 

“Absolutely,” was the response.

That, my friends, is bigotry.  And it’s alive and well — unfortunately — in urban, educated, middle class, inclusive, diverse, professional, proper America.  It’s — appropriately — called out when the bigotee (is that a word — is now) is oppressed, a minority, unlucky, or an idiot.  But this was a politically correct, nonchalant, “educated” statement.  The person was trying so hard to be open-minded and progressive.  And the more I think about it, the more it shows me that it’s a simple substitution from statements that are often accepted.

I wonder what similar statements I’ve made and felt justified in making.  And been wrong. 

True open-mindedness would allow us to see people and situations for what they are.  Advocates for women’s rights should not say that a woman is more qualified than a man because she’s a woman.  Racial equality is not about making sure that all races are represented equally.  Economic diversity is not about making all incomes have equal power.  It’s about making sure that gender, race, income, or whatever is NOT an issue.  At all.

Some rhetorical questions to cause you to think:

• If Barrack Obama were white, would his election be in doubt? 
• If Sarah Palin were male, would she have as much attention as she does? 
• If John McCain were 20 years younger and Barrack Obama 20 years older, what would the election look like?
• If the quarterback of your biggest rival school played for YOUR team, would you admire his skills?
• If someone else had what you have, would you be happy for them (or jealous o them)?

It’s not easy stuff.  Life isn’t that simple.  But if we can think critically in this way, we can get to the issues that drive us, and that defines who we are.  Would that we all could be defined as bigot-free.  Sadly, we’re likely a long way from it.

Strive to think critically and beware of templates that would give away our bigotry if things were reversed.

Just got off the phone with my friend Jeff. We have about a weekly discussion about what works and what doesn’t when it comes to presentations. The theme was present at my lunch, as well. My meeting with a sales guy discussed why folks don’t do things that make them stand out (in a good way).

The question is simple: why do people continue to parrot bad habits and ineffective presentations? At first glance, the explanation is easy, as well:

1. If we’re new to a company, the last thing we’re going to do is rock the boat. We’re going to do what everyone else does, even if it stinks.
2. Once we do something and survive, we’re most likely to do the same something, even if it’s not great.
3. There are very few direct penalties for doing a bad presentation.

These observable truths lead to pure death in presenting. We have GOT to continue to refine our craft and do new things. Some (many?!) may not work. But we’ll never know if we don’t try. So why is that so hard?

That answer is a little more complex. No one likes to fail. Some do it more gracefully than others, of course, but few people posses the fortitude and drive to set out with high risk when a safer alternative exists (albeit more boring as well). And yet that is what is needed. The question becomes HOW we can force ourselves to risk. More on that later.

But for now, I firmly believe…
Facing great risk leads to the greatest rewards.

Try something different. It may even work.

The end of the year is always a busy time.  In addition to the obvious Christmas and New Years celebrations, travel, and requisite events, we have two birthdays (my son’s and mine) to celebrate, kids tracked out of school, and now supposed inclement weather (although in NC, when it’s forecast, you can usually count on it not occuring).

Most of us are well on our way to breaking our New Year’s Resolutions (35% of us do by the end of January — citation) and the off days and down time are well behind us as the pressures of a New Year are upon us.  Already 19 days in, the year is getting away.  But it doesn’t have to be that way.
For the loyal readers — both of you — I am sorry I let the time get away and haven’t written in a while. I’m even more sorry that I didn’t have time to play floor hockey with my son every time he asked, ride bikes, take walks, and sit back for long conversations.  On the positive side, I’ve enjoyed catching up with old friends via the ubiquitous Christmas letter, have made some important decisions about work and life, and have had some great moments with family (even now I sit typing this with a little girl in my lap and just explained why I like my kids’ mom more than their grandparents).
I’ve not given up noting life and the mysteries of communication.  In fact, I’ve been busy taking even more notes and have more material than I could ever write here.  One day, perhaps, I’ll just point you to the book.

In the meantime, I am more than ever committed to making each moment count, making each contact matter, and make each message make a difference.

Make the most of your life.  Begin today.

• Dark blinds that keep the early sun out of my bedroom on a day I can sleep in.
• Baby monitors that alert me to nightmares and the honor to cuddle and comfort my daughter through the experience.
• Kids’ naivete to just tough it out and do what they have to do (when noses bleed, fingers are squished, and arms are broken).
• The incredible colors here in North Carolina this year.
• People who pursue their passions against all odds. You inspire me.
• Modern technology that allows me to pick up the phone from anywhere in the world and connect to love ones and say, “I just saw something that reminded me of you.” (and I’m ashamed I don’t do this more).
• The realization that there was absolutely nothing in this morning’s 20-pound newspaper full of advertisements that I need and very little I even want.
• The fact that eating a insane amount of food on one day doesn’t cause extreme lasting weight or health effects.
• Every time I hit the brake in my car this year, the car stopped.
• Every time the person behind me (intersecting me) hit the brake in their car, their car stopped.
• Good news phone calls/emails vastly outweighed bad news phone calls/emails this year.
• Kids learning to spell, and using “I love you, daddy” as their primary practice sentence.
• Riding bikes fast down a hill.
• The sound of a basketball net when the ball swishes through.
• Mountains.
• Airplanes.
• Forgiveness.

Another thing I’m thankful for is the opportunity to express myself here on this blog. I realize that readership is restricted to the select few groupies (thanks, mom!) and occasional passer-by, and most are lurkers — public comments are few. In the grand scheme of things, this blog isn’t even on the map and rates me as a bit player in a petabyte world. But it’s indeed a privilege, and I draw great comfort that it’s been worth it if even one post out of the 330 I’ve made has touched you and made your communication — and this world — a better place.

Happy Thanksgiving.  Be thankful.  And… thanks.